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These are grouped together
because they often accompany one another. No matter what genre you
write in, too much will ultimately remove from the story and characters.
For the first example,
we’re writing a horror novel. The book should be about the
horrific event and the characters' reactions. The story should not
hinge upon the scenes that arise from them. Your novel shouldn’t
literally be only what characters physically see, but about them as
individuals. As a horror author, you attempt to show fear. You want
to make your reader enjoy your work in suspense until they’re
afraid to turn out the lights. Describing scenes commonly found in
operating rooms can be tedious and frustrating to skip over. We've
all read the books where your mind travels to contemplating the next
episode of "ER," instead of the story in front of you.
Some examples are:
Before:
"The room was filled with blood, Blood covered the walls, the floors, the couches, the chairs. It was soaked into the carpet and splashed on the windows. Harvey couldn’t blink, his eyes were affixed to the macabre and ghastly room surrounding him. It wasn’t a parlor, it was a slaughterhouse. He couldn’t believe the poltergeist had killed so many people, nor inflicted such pain. It was a playful, impish spirit, not a bloodthirsty demon.
Unless there was another presence. One which hadn’t been detected. One which disguised itself as the playful ghost in the attic. What could he do to help the corpses surrounding him? They were all ripped to pieces, heads scattered in a toss with limbs and bits of clothing. He violently wept over the room’s casualties. His body fell into the warm red liquid pooled about the floors."
Gruesome scene, yet there are
many flaws. First, the emphasis went completely to the room. It was
just removed from Harvey’s thoughts and feelings, taken from the
very spirit the story was about. What is special about the room?
Anything at all? Why does it deserve so much attention when the key
figures are present?
After:
"The bloody room was covered with gore. Harvey couldn’t blink, his eyes were affixed to the ghastly scene surrounding him. The parlor looked like a slaughterhouse. He couldn’t believe the poltergeist had killed. It was a playful, impish spirit, not a bloodthirsty demon.
Could there be another presence that hadn’t been detected? A spirit that disguised itself as the playful sprite. What could he do to help the deceased? They were in pieces, human heads and limbs laid about with bits of clothing. He wept over the room’s casualties. His body fell in the warm red liquid pooled about the floors."
By cutting out all the
unneeded sentences and words, the paragraphs are tighter, polished,
and keep the emphasis on Harvey and the spirit(s). The new paragraph
is skillful, more streamlined, and has more of the "flow" writers and readers seek.
Let’s try another piece.
The author has written a thriller. They are describing a police chase
that goes wrong.
Before:
"The two cars
dangerously went through the crowded street. Pedestrians darted
between parked cars to avoid the speeding chase.
Jim studied the rear view
mirror. The cops were getting closer, he purposefully slid his car
into the sides of the parked cars, leaving a trail of wreckage and
debris in the street.
Finally, the cop car hit a
sharp shard of metal. The car flew up and over a black Lincoln,
crashing on it’s top on the sidewalk. People screamed and the
other two police cruisers rammed into one another to avoid hitting
people who had panicked.
He swerved again and again to
destroy more cars, he was already dead. He knew when they caught him,
and they would, that he would be locked so far away he’d never
get out. Therefore, it meant he had precious little time to mark his
territory. To destroy and prove that he was there. That he had lived.
When they caught him, he would be gone forever, and would be
forgotten. Unless he destroyed.
He needed destruction, he
needed to feel that power and ability. Just once more before they got him."
Aside from the obvious needs,
the scene is gratuitous. All the action is packed together in one
area, while the true story is in another. A writer should try and mix
the character’s feelings with their actions:
After:
"The cars dangerously
went through the crowded street. Jim studied the rear view mirror,
watching their decreasing distance. Pedestrians darted between parked
cars to avoid the speeding chase.
The cops were closing in, he
purposefully slid his car into the sides of the parked cars around
him. He left a trail of wreckage and debris in the street. He needed
destruction, he needed to feel that power and ability. Just once more
before they got him.
The closest cop car’s
front tire hit a shard of metal. A blow-out sent the car into a a
black Lincoln, the police car flipped and crashed on it’s top on
the sidewalk. People screamed and the other two police cruisers
rammed into one another to avoid hitting a panicked group.
He swerved to destroy more
cars. He knew when they caught him, and they would, he would be
locked so far away he’d never get out. Therefore, he had
precious little time to mark his territory. To destroy and prove that
he had been there. That he had lived. When they caught him, he would
be gone forever, and would be forgotten. Unless he destroyed."
They are short examples,
however should prove what a little trimming and polishing can do. You
can have a great action-packed book without directing attention away
from your main characters. It is possible to have terrible events
without covering your material’s plot.
See Also:
Sex
Language
©2002-2006, Laura Wright. All rights reserved. |
