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What Have They Done Now?

Strippers Made Me Old!

*Articles from the "Weekly Saturn." This notorious tabloid is known more for the lawsuits than any reporting. The Weekly was a thriving gossip magazine throughout the 1980s until celebrities and public officials had enough implication and innuendo. A string of lawsuits shook the publisher and since the publication has dealt with even more seedy reports of the paranormal, supernatural, and bizarre stories that people only read for shock value.

Weekly Saturn

May 5, 2002

"Strippers Made Me Old!"

-Victim Reports Exotic Dancers are really Psychic Vampires!

 

Customers of exotic dancing establishments have long known the risks of frequenting strip clubs. Now, not only does the clientele have to worry about venereal diseases they have to check out the dancers even more thoroughly!

The victim has wished to be called, "Buck," for privacy. Buck frequented a now closed establishment in Sullivan County, TN for several years. One day he paid for a private dance in the club's VIP quarters and it changed his life forever.

"I thought they were only dancing," Buck shakes his head now. "I can't believe they were really vampires. I've had private dances there before and there was never a problem."

This thirty-nine year old man contracted the rare bio-degenerative disease that ages him at four times the normal rate. Doctors are baffled, scientists have given up, and we are the first organization to report this phenomenon to you.

Our lead reporter, Tim Heath, obtained the first-person account from Buck. He conducted a series of interviews and we are pleased to provide his words directly to you.

Heath: "Did the dancers seem unusual to you?"

Buck: "Not at all. As I said, I've been there many times over the years. The place always seemed the same. The dancers rarely changed and the other workers never changed. You wouldn't assume any dirty or sneaky activities when they were so consistent."

Heath: "Was there anything strange about the VIP room where they led you?"

Buck: "Not really. I had been back there once before and nothing happened. But the last time, it was different."

Heath: "How so?"

Buck: "They were more aggressive and less friendly. They tied me to a chair and the next thing I knew there was a bright, burning light. Then, I woke up outside and in this shape."

Heath: "A bright light? Like at the end of a tunnel?"

Buck: "No. Not like death. This was a purpley-red light. It was bright and dark at the same time."

We are disturbed at this new disease and want to alert frequenters of strip clubs before it spreads even more quickly. Think your club is safe? Beware! After years of patronage, Buck never knew what could happen until it was too late.

 

 

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Weekly Saturn
May 19, 2002

"Buck Locates Buddy-
Exchanges Vampire Stories"

The article we ran about "Buck," the strip club client who found himself robbed of his vitality produced a great response. Letters came in from all over the nation regarding our coverage of his tragic ordeal.

One of the responses that caught out attention was that of "Mel." Mel found himself in the exact same situation and, oddly enough, lives within the same region.

Mel requested a private dance and was aged rapidly and without mercy. His memories of the night are much more vivid and he claims he still suffers flashbacks. He was diagnosed with post-traumatic shock disorder and is undergoing treatment for his anxiety issues.

Our eyes will be open for more reports of this mysterious illness. Authorities have not commented and we could not reach any legal counsel for opinions on the matter. It appears the situation is being covered up.

Never fear, loyal readers, we will report all we can. Information never hides for long when we are so determined to bring you the story.

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The Appalachian Journal
May 23, 2002

The Jungle- About To Be Tamed?

Exotic Dancing Establishment to Close

The now notorious exotic dancing club will close its doors in two weeks. This action follows the collision of rumors from the public and legal threats from club management.

"It's pathetic," says club owner Cybil McPherson. "Our club is licensed, regulated, and fully legal, but we can't escape this cloud of nonsense. I've heard all the rumors I care to and every one is as preposterous as the previous. I'm sick of dealing with it."

McPherson also reported there is a prospective buyer interested in the property. She quickly noted that the would-be purchaser stated they would not change the type of business and it would remain a haven for exotic entertainment.

It seems that voices have carried this club to the end of its career. The Jungle has been the victim of a series of outlandish articles in the infamous tabloid, "Weekly Saturn." When asked about the accounts featured there, McPherson quickly defended, "Who honestly reads that trash? I am astounded that there are people who believe it."

Regardless of your view on this establishment, the vampire rumors, or it's pending close this is certainly a first in the area. The old adage that, "the pen is mightier than the sword," is truly a perfect quip for this predicament.

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The Appalachian Journal
June 5, 2002

Where the Wild Things Aren't

Club to Close Sunday

As announced around two weeks ago the Jungle will close its doors on Sunday. The establishment could not overcome persistent rumors of bizarre events surrounding the club. The controversy failed to stir up more customers and seemed to drive away the steady clientele they had came to depend on.

The civil action taken against tabloid, "Weekly Saturn," failed in court and the publication was exonerated of any legal wrongdoing. It seems rumors had surfaced and were rapidly spreading long before the Saturn ran any relevant material.

It seems the bad luck that hit owner Cybil McPherson could not be reversed. McPherson now states, "I'm glad it's closing. I can finally see peace in light of these months of hardship and hassle. This trauma has caused me many psychological problems. I still believe it is ridiculous that a law-abiding individual can endure such persecution and not receive any justice in our country. I've washed my hands of it. All the customers who so avidly supported out business have turned the other cheek now that hardship has come to the club."

McPherson admits she plans to open another club elsewhere, however refused to state where she was moving. The reports of a potential buyer from two weeks ago were correct. The establishment will open back up under new ownership and management. We have verified that plans are in the work to renovate the building prior to its opening.

There is no concrete schedule for the new business at this time. However we will keep you informed. The Jungle has become one of our region's most "talked-about," locations and has also become the emptiest in the past few months. Perhaps new management can return the club to its former popularity.

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